I can’t remember a time in my life when I have felt so alone, so abandoned. I have never felt so completely helpless. Ever. And I have never hurt so very much. I’d rather not share exactly what is going on in my life at this point. To do so would involve a very long and drawn out story so that you would fully understand the whole complicated situation. All you really need to know is that lies were told in order to hurt my family. The lies were taken as the truth and our whole world has been turned upside down. Because the whole mess was caused by dishonesty, I fully expected my LORD to protect us from any bad thing that could be caused by these lies. I expected Him to close the mouths of the liars and put them to open shame. I expected Him to bring out the truth and make everything work out for the good of my family. He did not. I was, and still am extremely shocked and confused. I don’t at all understand how He could have, or why He would have let this happen. I have gone through stages of emotions such as grief and disbelief, fear and anger, isolation and absolute depression. At this point, I am completely confused and hurt beyond the ability of mere words to express.
For years I have ministered to others through their hard times. I have always been the encourager. Through all of this, so much of the advice that I have spoken in the past to others who were hurting has come back to me. It’s as if He is asking me to remember what I would tell someone else who was in my situation. I know what I would tell them. I would tell them to keep the faith. Trust God with your whole heart. Don’t let the enemy win by allowing him to overwhelm you with fear and discouragement. I would assure them that God promises to work ALL THINGS together for their good and if it hasn’t worked out that way, then He isn’t finished working yet. I would encourage them to be patient and wait on Him. I would encourage them to walk by faith and not by sight; to not be afraid because things look bad right now, but to look through the eyes of faith and anticipate the ending when they will be blessed and God will be glorified. I would quote scripture as proof that He is in control and will always do what is best for those who love Him. I would remind them that, though they may feel completely abandoned and alone, He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. I would pray with them and for them and would completely expect my LORD to answer.
Somehow, it has turned out that I am not very good at taking my own advice. I am trying so hard to trust that He WILL work all of this out. But at the same time, I just can’t understand why He allowed this to happen in the first place. I know that I should just have faith that He knows what He is doing even when I don’t. I shouldn’t have to know what His plans are. I shouldn’t have so many questions that I NEED answers to. But I do. I want to know why. I NEED to know why. I need to understand exactly what He is doing here. Normally, I would tell myself that while I only see a small piece of the puzzle, God is looking at it as a whole. He knows where every piece fits into place. He can see the end result and he is putting things together just perfectly. Normally, that thought would make me feel better. But right now it doesn’t. Right now, I really need to see at least a few of the surrounding pieces and how this all fits together. I need to know what He is up to. I need to know why. The thing is, I know He isn’t going to share that with me. I know that He wants me to be satisfied with the small piece that I can see. And even more than that, He wants me to place even that small piece back into His hands and trust Him to put it where it belongs. The trouble is, the last few pieces didn’t go where I was sure they should. It’s pretty hard for me to let this piece go. In fact, I’m clinging to it as if my life depends on it. Actually, I feel like my life does depend on it. This is my life and it’s not at all working out the way I think it should.
At this point, my faith is in need of some serious strengthening. So, I’ve been praying a lot. I’m searching out encouraging scriptures and other spiritually encouraging things to read. I’m forcing myself to go to church, even though I feel dead in my seat the whole time I am there. I feel like a great big fake as I sing along with the worship music. I don’t feel like standing or singing or praising the Lord. I feel like screaming, “WHY?!?!” But I don’t. I just try to look as happy as everyone else. I try to sing as heartily as I ever have. I try to smile like I always have. I wonder if they can tell that I’m dying inside? I wonder if they can see my faith wavering even as I stand there and sing with them? And you know what? I can hear Him speaking to me. I can hear Him trying to encourage me to trust Him. No matter what message is given or what song is sung, even when I have visited churches where no one knew me or what I’m going through, it’s as if the entire service, every word spoken, was planned just for me and my exact situation. He is asking me to let Him work in my life in His time and in His way. He’s asking me to trust Him while He does it. Why is it so hard?
Have you felt this way? Has your faith been tested? Have you doubted and found yourself angry with Him? Have you found yourself thrown into a completely unfair situation that you had no control over? Did you give it to Him and trust Him to work it out for your good? I’d love to hear your stories. I’d love to know How He worked it all out in the end. I think it would help me to know that you’ve been there and that you came out stronger on the other side.
Please, feel free to share this post with someone you know can understand. Please share your own experiences. Our faith is strengthened when we encourage each other!
STILL trying to TRUST IN HIM,
I wrote this three years ago. Things haven’t gotten better in the situation that I wrote about. As a matter of fact, here we are three years later and the situation has grown worse than ever.
I have to admit that I let this trial derail me for a bit. But our Father has patiently loved me and has gently helped me get back on track.
If you are facing a trial, a situation that is bringing pain to you and your family, I’d like to encourage you to hold on. Keep trusting in Him. Keep waiting on Him; and keep right on praising Him even when you don’t feel like it… especially when you don’t feel like it.I promise you that He IS working in your life. He IS working on those problems that are hurting you and the ones you love. Change IS coming. Healing IS coming. You may not see it yet. You may not feel it yet, But I promise you that your Heavenly Father does care about you and your situation so much more than you can begin to understand, and I am confident that He IS working ALL things together for your good.
And I know that He is doing the same for me.
And yes, I am STILL trusting in Him.