Desperate Prayers…


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Father in heaven,

You know me. You know everything about me. You know my weaknesses and my strengths. You know my thoughts and my feelings. You feel my joys and my pain. You celebrate with me in my triumphs and you mourn with me in my losses.

I know that you already know every word that I am about to say. You even know the thoughts that I can’t seem to find the words to express. Sometimes I wonder why I have to actually speak the words in prayer, when you already know what they will be. But right now, I need to speak. I need to get these words out of me. Right now, they feel like poison churning inside me. Right now I need to say it all, I need to give it all to you. That is all I know to do.

Father, I don’t understand what is happening in my life right now, and in the life of my family. I don’t understand why it is happening and I definitely don’t understand why you have allowed it. You are our shelter from things like this. You are the protector of the innocent. You are the defender of the weak. You are the bringer of justice.

But, Lord, I fail to see any of these things in this situation. I see my children, confused, afraid, and hurting. I see my parents feeling the same way. I see myself, feeling the same way, and also feeling so panicked and overwhelmed by it all. I just don’t understand.

Every single time that there has been an opportunity for justice, I fully expected you to swoop in, revealing truth, bringing true justice, and setting all things right… if not for my sake, then for the sake of the four innocent children who have been through way more than their share of pain and fear. Even they are confused at the way this is all working in favor of those who are liars, manipulators, and just plain wicked. This is not at all they way we we expected things to go. This is not what we read about in Your Word. We don’t understand. Not at all.

I find myself bursting into tears of pain and panic at completely random times. At night, I can’t quiet the thoughts and worries that constantly race through my mind. I can’t stop the wild thumping of my heart. And when I finally fall asleep, from sheer exhaustion, those fears and worries find me there in my dreams.

My Lord, I know that you are here with me. I know that you see this terrible situation, and that you are, no doubt, working things out behind the scenes. I know that there are no coincidences, and that you have a purpose for everything, both good and bad. I know that you are in control and that you are GOD over this situation and everyone who is involved in it.

But, Father, knowing that, it makes me feel… Lord, I’m so afraid to say it. But I know that you already know that the thought, the feeling, is there. There is no reason to try to hide it.

I feel betrayed. I feel alone. I feel as if my deliverer has left me in a situation that I can not control and I can not get out of. I feel like I am sinking and my deliver has walked away and chosen not to pull me out. I am so hurt, and so very confused.

Father, I know, in my heart, that you are my deliverer. I know that you are faithful. I know that you love me, and that you only want what is good for me. But, my LORD, I cannot shake these feelings. I know where, and who they come from. I know where doubt and fear are born. I know how they grow and who nurtures them until they are fully grown into full unbelief. Father, I ask you, even if it is not your will to deliver us from this situation, I ask you to please protect us from the evil one, who pulls at our faith as if to disrobe us, removing all of the armor that you have provided, leaving us naked and exposed to his constant attacks. Father, please protect us? Please fight for us, as you have promised in Your Word.

My Father, my faithful LORD, if it is not your will to deliver us from this trial, not yet, I pray for strength to walk through it. I pray for comfort while we hurt. I pray for mercy when doubt creeps in. I pray for your peace and your light to surround us when we cower in fear as darkness attempts to overcome us.

Father, it is so hard to say this sincerely, because I have no idea what your plan is, what your will is. But I do know that you love my beautiful children even more than is possible for even me to love them. And I trust that you are with them, watching over them. Wrapping your arms around them when I can not. I know that, you are there, whispering peace and showering them with love, even when I can not. And, because I know that, I will say, as sincerely as my trembling heart will allow, Father, may Your will be done. For you ARE faithful.

In Christ’s beautiful and holy Name, I humbly ask these things,

Amen

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About Shirley Ann Washam

I am an extremely blessed, divorced mother of four AMAZING children. Above that, I am a child of God! I pray that He would use this blog to speak through me to those who are hurting and discouraged. My goal is to share whatever is given by our LORD to uplift and encourage those who, like me, are blessed beyond measure, but still sometimes find themselves struggling to find answers and need a little encouragement. If you are in need of encouragement, I pray that you find it here, in the words that He speaks through me.
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